I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
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The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat