being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine