i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches