When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best