My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!