this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people