If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
*gets down on one knee*
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
monday
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?