Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.