There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
You Might Also Like
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.