My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
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5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.