You Might Also Like
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Golf would be better with landmines.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
This hospital has everything
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?