I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
You Might Also Like
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
This took me a second..
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
There is no “we” in chocolate.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.