Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
(Jupiter –
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
*pronounces patio like ratio
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
“what that mouth do?” complain