everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.