Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
You Might Also Like
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I wish I were this cool 😂
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Name this drama.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.