When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.