All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
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my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”