agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
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[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
☠️☠️☠️
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.