Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole