Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?