A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.