Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Stop.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Jesus Christ lmao
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today