The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?