If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain