Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
#inspiration #foodforthought
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture