[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
A small tragedy.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!