i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
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I’d hang this in my house.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.