Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Skills
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Welcome
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.