Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
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Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.