It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
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Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
😆this is so true
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.