got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
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*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.