“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy