[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
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opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I feel seen.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant