Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
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Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“You drive, I’m tired.”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
This makes total sense…
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting