Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Customize Your Wedding.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.