[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.