I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done