I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
How funny!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.