really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Every. Damn. Time.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog