My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.