Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
You Might Also Like
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.