boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
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They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My time has come.