If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
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My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I wish I could veto my bills.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other