if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Jupiter
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before