A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
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The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My neck, my back, my…
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”