don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Nice try Hitler
Never be a pizza!
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.