How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.