If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
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My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.