I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
You Might Also Like
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.