When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
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me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
doing your own taxes
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
HELP 😭
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing